Russell Friedman Replies:

Dear Mindy,

Thanks for your note and questions.

We’d like to respond to several aspects of your comments, and how you’re affected by your memories of the two important people who are physically gone from your life.

Let’s start by quickly mentioning that “time can’t heal a broken heart,” so the issue of how many years it has been is one that can confuse you. Everybody we help has to unlearn the idea that time is a healer. In fact, of the many thousands of people we’ve talked to over the years, almost every one of them has told us that “not only has time not healed my heart, but it seems to be getting worse.”

Next is to mention that the emotions caused by the stimulus of certain songs or chronicling dates – like anniversaries, birthdays, etc.—are normal and natural. Of themselves they are not bad, even if they seem to make you sad and make you cry. One thing to do is NOT categorize those feelings as “depressing,” but just sad. And let it be okay with you that you miss the person, and that you have tears.

When possible find someone safe to tell how you feel. But be careful not to give your feelings all-day status. What you say is, “In this moment, I feel sad and miss my dad or my husband.” Many people walk around saying “I’m depressed today,” and ruin not only the whole day, but create an incorrectly negative image of their relationship with the person who died. We're sure that many of your memories of your dad and your husband are positive and bring a smile to your heart. We don’t want you to lose that.

There is no doubt that dates of death act as a major stimulus, and therefore can affect the time zone around when those deaths occurred. Again it requires that you communicate your feelings accurately to a safe person, who will not judge or criticize you for telling the truth about how you feel in the moment.

Most of all we want you to know how normal and natural it is to have feelings when we are reminded of people who are important to us who have died. Please also understand that you can feel sad and miss people you love who are alive but live far away.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell
And
John